I actually convinced someone else to speedrun this game, and they beat my record! I didn't think it would happen so quickly (or at all) but am thrilled to both have someone else speedrunning the game and to have a new time to beat that I didn't set myself. I guess know what I'm doing on tomorrow's stream now.
Big thanks and congrats to NaiveSquirrel for joining me in speedrunning this quirky game and beating my standing any% record! He did it in 4m 44s which is 5s faster than my record was, and you can watch his run here. The runs page is updated too, and will require some revamping in the future to deal with identifying who runs belong to... but that will have to come later, because it's past my bedtime and I need to be well-rested tomorrow if I want to reclaim the throne that is rightfully mine! In the meantime, here's a screenshot of his splits:
